Top 5 Lessons I Learned After Being Depressed and 1 Major Regret

It's all about the stories we made along the way

heartquake is my personal blog dedicated to radical honesty. It documents my journey of risking it all to follow my dream. The dream is to be a writer and change the world one story at a time. The risk is everything that I once believed about myself, the meaning of life, and the nature of the universe. Subscribe for free or for a fee to receive my writing directly in your inbox!

my best friend Josh carrying me on their shoulders

Depression buried me like landslide. Rocks slowly tumbled down the cliffside causing me to trip, slip, and fall until all of sudden, I was drowning on land.

I can list a million and one reasons why I became so depressed but, none of them are as interesting or as true as how I came to recover. Like after every natural disaster, a full team was necessary to make the initial rescue but eventually, the rest of the recovery process is in the hands of the patient in the hospital gown.

Here I am a week after my friends Fenia and Josh came by my home and helped clean my bungalow after I had been living in filth, and now I am laying in clean sheets in a mildly cluttered room after a long day of spending quality time with friends, doing yoga, and enjoying vegan ice cream. My Inner Critic (A two headed hot pink dragon named Veronica & Vicky) would like to eat me alive for not getting “enough” work done today and, what I’d like to say in response is “I appreciate your concerns and, I am not going to apologize for taking care of my needs for play, connection, and rest. Let’s try again tomorrow.”

I am happy. Not in a jittery, ephemeral way. I feel at peace with all the parts of myself that have different needs, desires, and fears. All in service of one goal: to love myself so much that I can outpour and give to the entire world around me.

Here’s my Top 5 Lessons I Learned & 1 Major Regret I experienced after my depressive episode.

1) Admit it.

Admitting that you are depressed doesn’t make it a life sentence, pretending you aren’t does. I didn’t even know I was depressed until the thought of doing any of my favorite things like ecstatic dance or talk to people became as appealing as scratching nails against a chalkboard. I was hiding my depression behind my endless productivity, perpetual busyness, and jittery excitement. It all fell flat when it suddenly felt like I was only smiling on the outside. Once you are able to admit you are depressed, you can actually do something about it. I gave up on pretending, and I gave into the darkness. Even though it was scary, I realized the only way to the other side was through the shadows.

2) It’s okay to fall apart.

The more we beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up, the longer the fight keeps going. You think eventually you will be able to surrender but no, this is a battle that can last forever. I learned how to survive a rocky childhood via binge-eating Snickers bars that I hid underneath my bed and binge-watching Doctor Who underneath my covers. And I used to be so ashamed of these addictions. I hated the parts of myself that needed escapism to make life feel manageable. But, this time when I hit rock-bottom, I didn’t hate the parts of myself that needed to watch The Circle on Netflix or eat mango cheesecake from my nearby coffee shop to make the days feel a little less painful. I let them do what they needed to do, and I tried my best to say, “Hey. This is what we needed to survive back then, and it’s what we need to survive right now. And that’s okay. I love you no matter what.”

3) Stop trying to fix it.

You will hit a point where you are going to get sick and tired of your own sick and tiredness, and you will decide to “let go of the depression shtick” and become disciplined. You are going to sign yourself up for 5 am yoga, vow to only eat raw vegan, and cut out all the toxic people in your life. The fantasy of transforming your life overnight is going to seem so appealing that you may even believe it. The dopamine rush of “creating the perfect life” may even be enough to kickstart the beginning of your plan. But, trust me. You will crash and burn. Change doesn’t happen overnight. 5 am yoga is just Depression wearing a cool new outfit. It’s just a different way to avoid listening to the part of yourself that is trying to communicate something to you. If you keep ignoring it, it will come back later, even stronger than it did before.

4) Don’t do it alone.

Not all of us will have the luxury of “doing depression” alongside their best friend but, if you do, let me just say that I highly recommend it. Josh (different from the Josh who helped clean my room), my best friend/life partner/most talented person I know was also going through a depression at the same time as me, and wow, it made the lows so much more bearable. Sitting on Facetime for hours from our own respected safe spaces, it helped me release so much shame and guilt. Josh never tried to fix my feelings, never pretended to understand (they just did), and reminded me the importance of just letting it be. Shadows are nothing more than shapes we cast against the light.

5) Listen.

Depression is a result of a need not being met or of a feeling not being felt on an on-going and continuous basis. For weeks, I had been working on my writing every day without giving myself time and space to relax. I gave myself insanely high expectations without any praise, and I became incredibly lonely during the process. Then I went through a series of interpersonal troubles ripping open old childhood wounds that I thought I had healed and did not want to face. My needs for rest, play, connection, and safety were not being met. My feelings of grief, pain, and anger were not being felt. I buried these “ugly” parts of myself and hid myself from the world because I was scared of other people thinking I was ugly too. The moment I finally listened to these fears and concerns was the moment I could see I really needed help.

My One Major Regret

1) Don’t forget your responsibilities.