the art of being a bitch

on truth telling, tenderness, and trying to keep us all together

i have a bad habit.

i’ve had it since i was six years old. some people love me for it. some people loathe me for it. it’s left me with a long list of casualties: shattered friend groups, broken relationships, tormented egos, unread texts, exes now enemies— me, alone, grieving all the people i’ve lost and let go.

hi, i'm tina and i am a compulsive truth-teller.

say you got back together with your ex again. you know the one. the toxic one, where the fights are explosive and the sex is feral. you know he's terrible for you cause he just won't commit, won’t settle down, won’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated—but you just can't stop. the sex is too addicting, the apologies too convincing, and the love, or what feels like love, is too enticing to say no to.

yeah, i'm calling you out.

i'm going to tell you to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your brain. i'm going to point out the last time you promised me you’d stop sleeping with him, swearing that last time was the last time, that no matter what, you wouldn’t do it again. i’ll beg you to stop. stop being so desperate for someone to love you that you forget to love yourself. i’m lifting the veil, popping the bubble, and digging my nail into the tender hole where the bullet wound bleeds.

hi, i’m tina and i am a bitch.

i try to tame this habit. this gnawing sensation that digs deep into the back of my skull. i swallow my opinion, hoping you don’t hear her rumbling inside my belly. no one wants to be the friend that is "judgey" or a "know-it-all."

i hide behind a lame empathetic echo: "oh ya, i totally get why you'd do that,”or offer a limp encouragement: "yeah you’re just in your hot girl era." that's what you want from me right?

but no.

you sense it.

no matter what i do to try to protect you, protect our relationship, protect myself by hiding all the nasty, harsh, and ugly things that i think about you… you feel me hold back. you feel the timidness in my praise. you feel the anger behind my smiles. and you distance yourself from me. because even when i try to hide it, you can't stop yourself from seeing the mirror i'm holding up to you.

hi, i’m tina and i am a broken mirror with cracks all the way through.

i reflect the parts of yourself that you are ashamed of.

you are the person who can't help but look away.

every person in our life is a mirror. what we love in them is what we love in us. what we hate in them is what we pretend we don’t have in us. if you love how loving, funny, and generous your best friend is, that's because you love that about you. if you hate how avoidant, judgmental, and angry your sister is, that's because you can’t stand the parts in you that are the same.

we suppress, we hide, we turn away from the truths about ourselves. often times because we grew up in an environment where it wasn't safe to be honest.

hi, i’m tina and i was the black sheep, the scapegoat, the "bad kid" in my family.

when the adults in my household were mean, yelled, or criticized, i stood up to them. i got spanked, slapped on the hand, or called “crazy.”

when i watched [name redacted] drink behind the kitchen cabinet or smoke in the garage, in all the places he thought we weren't looking, i was there, holding up a mirror. hiding his cigarettes. pouring the liquid down the drain.

i yelled, screamed, fought back, stared. only to be pushed back down and told, both in silent and extremely loud ways, to shut the fuck up.

so, i kept my mouth shut.

the less willing we are to lose someone, the more willing we are to lie.

in all of the relationships where i felt the most afraid of abandonment, i was the most dishonest about my true feelings. but it didn't make the urge to tell the truth to go away. instead it came out in ugly spurts or hidden whispers or passive aggressive, “i told you so”s. resentment slowly degrading relationships until there was no relationship left worth saving. no matter what i did, the truth always had a way of wriggling free.

hi, i’m tina and i don’t want to lose you.

if i don't tell you what i really think, you'll feel it anyways. and subconsciously, we drift away from each other. we lose each other in all of the things we won't say because of how terrified we are of losing each other.

and if i do tell you, then at least we have a place to start from. a meeting ground. even if that ground is a battlefield, where you scream, and i fight, and we both cry at the end. at least we'll both be together.

my therapist once told me, "the more yourself you are the less people are going to like you."

and i laughed and asked, "then why would i want to be myself?"

now i know the reason why. because what i have to offer may not be likable, but i hope it's lovable.

i offer unconditional love. i see the parts of you that you try to hide, and even if it hurts and even if it’s scary, i accept you anyways. and i hope if i show you my secrets, my insecurities, my fears, we’ll find a place where our cracks fit together.

hi, i’m tina and i love you imperfectly.

i tried not being a bitch. i was raised to keep my muzzle on, to muffle my growls, to keep the pack together. but all it did was make me a monster instead.

so i have to tell you the truth:

the more yourself you are, the less people may like you. but the more they’ll be able to love you. and the more you can love yourself.

the people who see you for you and love you—warts and all—are worth far more than those who only validate you and ignore your imperfections.

at the end of the day, you only need one person who will always be there for you, even when you make a mistake, and even if that mistake is the worst mistake a person could make. you need only one person to stick by your side, through the ugly truths and beautiful messes.

you need this person to be you.

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epilogue: the art of being a bitch is learning how to speak the truth. being a bitch doesn’t mean being a bully. there’s a difference between tough love and just being tough. i’m learning how to say “i feel” rather than “you should.” because even though it can suck hearing something you don’t want to hear, the way you say it can be the difference between inviting someone in with honey— or forcing them in with fire.

by revealing your feelings rather than your opinions, you let the person know you better. it’s also much more vulnerable. by saying, “i feel sad when i hear about your situationship.” yes, your friend may feel bad hearing this but, ultimately, they’ll be much more open than if you screamed at them to stop.

trying to convince someone is the worst way to convince them. focus only on revealing your truth, and potentially, they’ll be able to see their’s.