Stop strangling your baby
on mastering the art of failing
I have failed a lot.
In 2020, I failed at completing 100 Days of Sweat on my Instagram, where I intended to post a video of myself exercising every day for 100 days straight. I gave up around Day 52.
In 2021, I failed at starting a YouTube channel with my brother called "The Fang Siblings," where we planned to post a YouTube video for each other every week for a year. I called it quits after nine months.
In 2023, I failed at NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, where the goal is to write 50,000 words in a month. I was working on a young adult fiction novel about an aspiring writer who goes on a writing retreat in Hawaii to heal from her childhood trauma by creating art from her pain—based on my own life, of course. I stopped around Chapter 4.
It's 2024, and I have failed at my 90 words for 90 days writing challenge, where I consistently posted inconsistently for almost two months. Today would have been Day 58.
And I am failing again at writing this second book—a memoir about my year of travel around Southeast Asia, a coming-of-age story about reconnecting with my inner child, Ting Ting, while navigating the balance between adventure and contentment and finding wholeness in a fragmented world. I’m stuck on Chapter 2.
What do all of these failures have in common?
I fell in love with the idea of an outcome, not with the process of doing.
The word “challenge” already implies that none of these are going to be any fun at all. I am obsessed with this idea of “pushing” myself to be “better.” In reality, if I allowed myself to just enjoy working out, making videos, or writing, I wouldn’t need to “push” myself to do it. I would do it because I liked it. By forcing myself to do all of these things, I essentially made my passion a chore. It wasn’t enough to just exercise, make videos, or write for the sake of enjoyment. I needed a challenge so I could get the gratifying feeling of accomplishment. My joy wasn’t enough.
We are constantly sold different versions of ourselves that will finally bring us the unattainable happiness we desire. Social media, TV, movies, and more promise us that the grass really is greener on the other side. If you complete this fitness regimen, you’ll finally be hot enough to meet the love of your life and live happily ever after. If you buy this online course, you’ll finally be productive enough to finish your big project, become rich, and live happily ever after. Becoming addicted to the fantasy of “better” keeps you from loving what already is.
Being fit, famous, and accomplished are all great on the surface, but they are not recipes for life satisfaction. By putting conditions on my happiness, I fail to appreciate my present moment. By failing to appreciate the present moment, I will never be able to feel truly content.
Why is it important to fail?
Failure sounds harsh. Like tires screeching against pavement, it makes you want to cover your ears and go “la la la la la.” But admitting defeat is healthy because it allows us closure. We can move on. We can look back at our mistakes and learn from them. We can grow.
If you can identify the difference between “I have failed” and “I am a failure,” the word failure goes from shameful to liberating.
The main difference is that the first is about an action and the second is about your self-worth. I have often wanted to equate the two, but in this moment, I can feel the difference. I really can acknowledge how valiantly I tried because I think I know now what I want to do differently.
When we can learn from our mistakes, we no longer identify as our mistakes.
What have I learned?
I am trying to learn my lesson, so I have accepted defeat and am celebrating all my successes. I have accomplished so much in my reaching toward lofty ambitions.
I initally completed the full 100 days of sweat in 2019 and wanted to recreate my success in 2020. Even though I only reached 52 days of sweat, I still achieved massive improvements in my health, my relationship with my body, and my dedication to live an active lifestyle.
I posted 21 YouTube videos to my Fang Siblings Youtube channel. One of which was an epic stop-motion animated music video that took multiple hours to make.
I have written over 10,000 words toward multiple novels, and I have not given up on either of my books. I am learning how to pace myself to write with my body and feelings, and not force it with my head.
I have been posting consistently on my blog for over five months. During this time, I gained 154 subscribers as well as many new writer friends!
I completed over 30 90-word stories during my 90 in 90 writing challenge with many writers sharing their stories, engaging with my prompts, and hopefully becoming inspired by my words.
I have learned a lot about the publishing industry, freelance writing, and creating a book from scratch. I am continuously learning how to grow, adjust, and change based on what I learned. And I am practicing radical acceptance of what is instead of chasing what could be.
Raising the White Flag
This is the offical end to 90 in 90. I am so proud of what I have accomplished, and I am confident this is the right decision for me. I want to grow my blog and develop my writing skills but, I don’t think this is the way I want to accomplish my goals. Perserving my love for writing is paramount.
My friend Josh told me recently, “Stop strangling your dream like a baby, and just relax.” It hit me hard—I’ve been holding my dreams so tightly that I’m suffocating them.
I’ve learned that when I want to make a big change in my life, I need to start with one little change. Rather than getting married to an idea before I’ve even tasted it, I want to give myself permission to get to know a decision before making a huge commitment.
Flowers for you
Thank you all for following along and for your incredible support. I am so grateful for you, and I feel so lucky to have met so many amazing people as I continue along my writing journey. I am also proud of myself for trying, failing, getting back up, and going again.
I’m still figuring out the best balance for content on my blog. For now, I will still be sticking with a full paid article on Thursdays but, doing occasional free posts throughout the month. If this don’t resonate with you, you are always welcome to unsubscribe. If you do choose to stay, please know it means the world to me.
Have I mastered the art of failing?
When I pictured the person I’d be at the end of these challenges, I imagined the “finally happy” Christina I’ve always wanted to be. It was as if all I needed was to pass through this final hurdle, and then I could be satisfied. But in reality, if the process of the challenge isn’t enjoyable, why would the end result be?
Failing is a part of the process, and the process is what I am learning to love. And like all good love stories, I trust this one will have a happy ending.
Here are my favorite pieces of media about failure:
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