Oh Babe, I Hate to Go

Find out why I left Thailand, where I am now, and what's up next

“You will always struggle with not feeling productive enough until you accept that your own joy can be something that you produce.”

-Hank Green

Mama, Baba, and Me (not in chronological order)

*Author’s note: If you want to experience my life like a movie, listen to the songs underlined & linked throughout this blog—you might just feel like the star of your own music video. Or don’t. I’m not your boss!

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Love, actually is all around

Regardless of relationship status, I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day.

In high school, I had a friend whose birthday was February 14th. I’ll never forget the year she baked a dozen pink-frosted heart-shaped cookies and gave them out to strangers on the Chicago metro.

To me, that’s what today is about: appreciating the love and joy in everyone.

I’m extremely lucky to have such a wonderful support system AND incredible humans who believe in me (even on my worst days). All of you receiving this email, included!

So a big thank you + a pink-frosted heart-shaped cookie from me to you <3

Not the ones my friend baked

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Life Update (or lup-date as my friends say.)

Soooooooo, it’s been awhile since I’ve last spoken to you all. 

Let me catch you up to speed.

On December 23, 2024, I officially said goodbye to my community in Koh Phangan, and I moved back home with my parents to the good ol’ Chicago suburbs.

A lot of factors went into making this decision, mainly reasons that I couldn’t quite accept while I was still in Thailand (because denial is a b*tch). 

When I moved to Koh Phangan (pronounced CO PAH-N-GON), I set embarrassingly high expectations for myself.

1. I was going to become a full-time writer

2. I was going to create a writing community on the island AND online

3. I was going to “live my best life” (i.e. enjoying all the pleasurific amenities the island had to offer)

4. All while adjusting to living abroad on my own for the first time

(If you’d been following my journey closely, especially towards the end, it is clear that’s not exactly how things panned out.)

From June 2024 to December 2024, I went through some tumultuous ups and downs during my island stay. 

UPS

• Mango sticky rice

• Sexy-ass women

• Friendship

• Upside-down twerking

DOWNS

• Depression

• Spiritual F-Boys

• Polyamory

• Acne

I still miss the Koh Phangan sunsets.

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Leaving, On a Jet Plane (by John Denver)

I fell in love with island life. Unfortunately, I’m the kind of girl who stays in a toxic relationship even after it’s fallen apart.

Living on Koh Phangan is like living in a casino.

Mornings at the beach, nights out dancing, and pleasure accessible at all hours of the day.

I tried very hard to write, make money, and build a healthy routine.

Stress, constant distractions, and lack of structure built up to a very aimless existence. 

It took me a long time to finally admit to myself that:

I was not suited for wild, wayward wantonness.

So I had to leave.

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The Bucket List

Once I decided it was time to go, I felt so relieved. I remember listening to “You’re Gonna Go Far” by Noah Kahan whilst driving on my motorbike, and a river of tears streamed down my face. I had reached acceptance.

And then, I made a bucket list of all the things I promised myself I’d do before I moved back home.

I actually wrote this in my journal.

All in one week, I went to my first-ever Full Moon Party, performed stand-up comedy (also for the first time) at an open-mic, wrote & starred in my own one-woman show called Christina Takes On Koh Phangan featuring comedy, a strip-tease, and playing my ukulele¹, and got a tattoo by my close friend and trusted confidant, Seth.

It was the most EPIC of send-offs.

The only thing I didn’t accomplish was teaching my first ever writing workshop, and I believe it’s so I have an excuse to return to the island… TBD.

Absolutely KILLING it at stand-up. Everyone laughed, and one Taiwanese-American woman cried and told me that my set healed her.

The only regret I have is not having enough time to write thank you letters to all the people on the island who made living there worth it.

Elsa, Pasha, Seth, Josh, Feña, Monkey, Paulette, Jo, Sasha, Ari, Yulia, Julia, Nico, Ita, Layla, Rajeev, Rogen, Katy, Byron, Sabina, Marlene, Mary, Rae, Nir, Sol, and Padma.

Thank you, I love you, and goodbye.

P.S. I miss you and hope to see you soon.

I did a joint birthday celebration with my friend, Pasha (he’s the one sitting next to me in the blue shirt). We ended up switching outfits later that night, then performing a strip-tease and jumping into the pool.

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End of Beginning (by Djo)

Life in Naperville is pretty f*cking awesome. 

Like Hank Green said at the beginning of this lengthy post, I’ve been working hard at producing my own joy. And lemme say, I want to make joy boring again!

Sure, my life is no longer filled with decadent cuddle parties or swimming in the ocean at sunset or dancing under the moonlight. But, it is abundant with moments of peace and contentment.

Captain’s Log - Chicagoland Surburia - 02.12.2025

6 a.m. : Hot Yoga with Mama.

Notes/Observations: Nailed Birds of Paradise.

8 a.m. : Video Call with Best Friends.

Notes/Observations: Still the absolute best.

9 p.m.: Write.

Notes/Observations: Morale significantly improved.

11 a.m. Smoked Chicken prepared by Baba.

Notes/Observations: Wasn’t hungry but will consume later. Smell: extra smoky.

1 p.m. Walk with Mama.

Notes/Observations: Collected litter labeled, “Authentic MVP.” Empty bag previously held rock salt for de-icing suburban roads. Extremely Midwestern find.

6 p.m. Writing Class.

Notes/Observations: Tactical victory: Short story complete.

8 p.m. Hot Bath.

Notes/Observations: Relaxation commenced.

9 p.m. Gratitude journal and sleep. 

Notes/Observations: Electric blanket worth every cent.

Not an actual photo of the bag I found

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Actually, all around love is

When I left KP, I had no idea how long I’d be gone. Now that I’m settled at home though, I’m not in any hurry to leave.

I’m focusing on so many things this year but mainly fortifying everything I had learned during the 2 years I spent traveling and the many years before I spent healing and connecting with my inner kiddo, Ting Ting.

I’ve learned how to take care of myself, how to build a healthy routine, how to become my own loving parent, how to trust my intuition, how to set boundaries, how to communicate authentically, and how to nurture my creativity. And it’s actually working.

I’m extremely happy and content.

Plus, I’m writing again!

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Home (by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros)

I put a big pause on everything creative over the past couple of months because I hit a huge wall of depression, and I needed time to recover.

I also paused the paid subscriptions on this blog since I wasn’t writing, and I didn’t want people’s money if I wasn’t.

Now that I’m back, I’m planning on returning to the newsletter but, it’ll look pretty different from how it did before (hopefully no more sad oversharing but, also no promises). I’m also thinking of just turning off the paid subscriptions on this blog completely (unless people really just want to send me money to support my work!) I just want this to be a place where I celebrate my writing and that’s it!

But, don’t worry!

I’m not giving up my dream of being a writer by ANY means.

I am just reconsidering what “being a writer” looks like for me.

I tried Aerial Yoga for the first time! I was very bad at it!

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That’s all folks!

I made a Spotify playlist with all the songs featured on this post. If you want to live through my Koh Phangan move, here you go!

My best friend Josh just released a folksy break-up song today called, “Breakups are a Disguise”.

They first played it for me when we went on our first date (LMAO), and I literally immediately memorized all the words because it was so catchy and fun.

I included it at the end of the playlist.

And with that…

Thank you, I love you, and goodbye.

See you next week ;)

1. I sang and played on the ukulele Superman (It’s Not Easy) by Five for Fighting. Afterwards, a nice German guy I made out with once complimented me because he thought I wrote the song. I unfortunately didn’t.