I believe in hope again.

one drop of water at a time

When I was in fourth grade, I used to take extremely short showers.

I would turn on the shower on for 5 seconds, let the water run over my head and body, turn it off, scrub myself with shampoo and body wash, rinse, turn the water off again, lather my hair with conditioner, and then rinse again. I would time myself in order to ensure the process wouldn’t take longer than 5 minutes. I remember shivering in between washes, and rushing to turn the water back on cause I didn’t like feeling the cold. But despite the discomfort, I practiced this short shower process for many months.

My fourth grade teacher was a chubby man named Mr. Kresl with short auburn hair, rectangular glasses, and a smile that reminded me of Santa Clause. He would make silly jokes about threatening to hang kids by their toe nails if we misbehaved and also pretending that the classroom secretly converted into his bedroom at night. I remember imagining the bookshelf magically transforming into a bed after the kids went home from school.

One of my favorite activities we’d do would be storytime. We’d all gather on the reading carpet, and listen to Mr. Kresl read. I loved school for many reasons but, a huge one was because I liked being a know-it-all.

One day, Mr. Kresl read us a book about the water cycle.

He explained to us how the water that comes out of our taps originally came from the lakes, and how the water from the lakes came from the sky, and how the water from the sky came from the ground.

“Water can’t be created or destroyed. It just moves in a cycle of evaporation, condensation, precipitation, and collection.” He informed us.

My mind did the calculations, and immediately, my hand shot up straight into the air.

"Yes Christina?” He smiled.

“But, if water always comes back in a cycle, why are there places in the world where people don’t have any water?”

Mr. Kresl beamed, and I suddenly felt like a genius.

“Wow! That’s a great question. The thing is Christina, if we use too much water, then we don’t give the water enough time condensate and become rain. If we are all using a lot of water, then there might be some of us who don’t get any. So, that’s why it’s important that we don’t waste it so, everyone can have enough.”

As soon as Mr. Kresl told me this explanation, I made a vow to myself that I would use as little water as possible so there would be enough for the people in the world who didn’t have any. I didn’t care how short my showers were, every drop counted.

However, as I grew older and I learned more and more about the devastating impacts of climate change, I slowly began to take longer and longer showers. Now, my showers are around 10-15 minutes long and, I don’t turn off the water in between washes.

You would think as I learned more about how awful climate change was, I’d be more invigorated to stick to my short showers but, the opposite happened. I became even more sure that nothing I did made any difference.

The more I learned about oil spills, factory farming, and greenhouse gas emissions, the more I realized how little one person can do in the face of large scale corporations. My values didn’t count for anything if they couldn’t create any real change.

During the 2020 election, my brother and I campaigned for Andrew Yang, and it was the most involved I had ever been in politics. Looking back on it, even though I didn’t believe he would be president, my belief in his platform was enough for me to sacrifice my own time and comfort to spread his message to others. It didn’t matter that it didn’t seem possible, all that mattered, was that he was a candidate I believed in. Even though he didn’t make it through the primaries, it was inspiring to believe in something bigger than myself.

Hopelessness has become a trend, and becoming dispondent is the norm. Everywhere I go online all I see is people sharing their feelings of fear, anger, and overall distrust for the world and political system. And all of the feelings are so valid. Now more than ever, I understand why people are afraid- afraid of their rights being taken away and afraid of the world becoming a more hateful place. But, despite that, we need to chose to believe in hope anyways.

I’ve slowly allowed myself to become accepting of intolerance because it feels easier to lie down and let the world fuck me than to care and get hurt in the process. But now, I’m sick and tired of it.